The only times that I was referred to as ‘fashionable’, or any of its many synonyms, was either in jest, sarcastically or by error. I don’t take pride in what I wear, I rarely do. Aside from my exclusive Nintendo Power Legend of Zelda Special edition Tee’s, I rarely value any item of clothing I own. OK, maybe those ferret socks my late grandfather bought me from the Czech Republic, but really thats it. But as many other male adults know, times are a-changing. These days, it takes a specific type of attire to attract the right girl, the right job and the right acquaintances.

Women, homosexuals and metrosexuals alike, have it all wrong. I think. Men never dress to impress, it was never a goal. So when a female friend suggests I wear a pink shirt, or grey denim because it was in fashion at the time, I cringe and smile politely before I decline. My reason being: men aren’t suppose to be fashionable, not in that way anyway. Allow me to explain.

Fashion is heavily influenced by ‘people’ first, and everything else second. Take any era of time and you’ll see that the fashion of that time was merely what famous/revered people were wearing. You don’t see that many women wearing corsets any more do you? Guess why they continued to be fashionable for centuries? The royal and the bourgeois were to blame. Flash forward today and you’ll see that there is a direct correlation between what many women choose to wear today and what Tayler Swift’s stylist chose for her to wear at some point in time at a large event. You don’t see men flocking to go buy ‘that Johnny Depp jacket’, well not many and even then those men are probably suspect at best. Fashion isn’t that two-dimensional, obviously. But non-the-less-bare-with-me and allow the deliberate black and white stereotypical examples. Because of this, and if you agree, then we can conclude why men are not fashionable.

I am not entirely sure what the genetic reason behind it, but men are just not interested in people as much as women are. For example:

- Men don’t care what somebodies nail’s look like.

- Men never, ever look at shoes or bags. NEVER. I cant remember what any of my female friends/family bags or shoes look like. File not found.

- Men rarely notice hair, clothing articles or accessories (rings, bracelets..etc)

I remember me and an ex-girlfriend were attending a friends party. Said friend wanted us to wear masks to the party. Something I really wasn’t excited about. So I came up with the ultimate lazy-guy idea. I went to the costume shop and bought a fake beard to use as my mask alternative. I wasn’t about to bare the responsibility of purchasing a mask for a singular party. No sir, I was not. Anyway, lets talk about that beard another time, that night when we left I realized something odd. We were in the taxi talking and we mentioned this one girl at the party, we gossiped on how she was flirting with every single guy in the party. Then I mentioned “Someone should really find her a boyfriend”, my girlfriend looked at me, like I was stupid or something “she’s married, love.” so I said “..and how was I suppose to know that? when did you have the time to ask her that any-” she interrupts me to say “…she was wearing a ring, didn’t you see it?” my reaction was of course “why would I ever want to notice that?”. If you are a man who has lived with a female companion for a period of time, THIS SCENARIO HAPPENED AT LEAST A DOZEN TIMES. Your SO or girlfriend would have noticed something, somewhere that you had no idea about. That night, it might not have dawned on me right away, but I realized how little I noticed what anyone was wearing, at all.

Before I continue, you should probably know, there is very little “science” going on in this post. Most of what I am revealing to you relates to my own real-life-outside-experiences. I don’t claim it to be the ultimate truth. I am sure someone, somewhere has a very good and conclusive study on how testosterone allows males to operate machinery and automobiles, and how estrogen allows women to focus on 3 things at once with out delay. Actually, I am positive it exists, but I am verily too lazy to find it and link it to the proof I am trying to present. I am not even sure what I am saying is true, I just think it makes sense and would like to open a forum for a discussion.

So, where was I? Men aren’t influenced by people, not because they don’t care, its because they do not notice them as much as women and the gay. So how does this relate to fashion? Well, as I was saying, if we were to assume that fashion is driven by trends people create, then it is understandable why men do not notice them. We were genetically disposed to do so, maybe. It just doesn’t make it to our Care Bear list. And therefor our sense for fashion is weak. We don’t know what is suppose to be fashionable. We rarely know why wearing that, with that would make for a disaster. We just don’t get it, its not in our learned nature.

I bought Crocs in early 2008, not because it was the fashion at the time, but because I was living in Australia and they were on sale and I needed sandals (literally, my sandals ripped in the middle of the city). I barely wore them, but I still remember what happened one faithful day in 2012. A very fashionable female friend of mine, that shall remained nameless, nearly had a heart attack. “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU WEARING” was one of the nicer phrases she used. She assumed that I would somehow know why it was “wrong” to wear Crocs. I was confused, what? I don’t understand. Why are they bad? they are just sandals? they don’t have any swastikas on them? do they?

With that said, men have to be fashionable these days. Don’t they? Yes and no. The good news is, for me anyway, very little effort is involved. Thankfully, women don’t really care about men being up to date with their fashion. Actually, someone find it unattractive, and rightfully so.

At the risk of over simplifying things, women want men who are .. well men. The reasons that attract women to men are simple. Basically, you need to be good looking and physically fit. Sounds familiar? Yup. Further more, you need to be presentable. That is it. If you make an extra effort at looking presentable, you will probably get extra marks. But again, that is it. That is what men’s fashion is all about. Looking presentable for an occasion. No one will ever expect more.

Now ‘presentability’ is a very loose term obviously, and some clothing items will probably make you look more “presentable” than others. No one is denying that. But at the very core that is what we worry about.

When I see other guys trying to be “fashionable” it reminds me of when some girls pretend to like sports. They both do it for the same reason. Guys like sports? then I shall like them as well. Girls like fashion? then I shall pretend to like fashion as well, its all superficial and sooner or later the opposite sex will recognize the fake infatuation.

Does that mean male fashion should be boring? Well, no. What I am trying to say is: men probably don’t know what boring and interesting clothes look like. That sensory part of our brain does not exist and maybe that is not an entirely bad thing.

I joined an online forum cleverly named “Male Fashion Advice” some time ago, and I’ve been an active observer. I’ve learned a few unwritten rules from the majority of the posts on there. I present some of them to you in one neat list below:

- Only buy clothes that fit you. OK, this one sounds like a given, but its quite essential. So to answer your question, NO YOU CANT buy a shirt or pants that are 1 size larger or smaller. Here is a comprehensive guide on how everything should fit. Click here.
- The color you are looking for is probably going to be Navy. Navy works with EVERYTHING. What about shirts? Light blue or white. Bitches love white shirts. But don’t listen to me, the world is your oyster, click here to read some standard rules on choosing colors that go well together.
- Your t-shirt should be plain, unless you are being ironic, in most cases. Such is the way of being a grown up, unfortunately.
- Chinos. Fucking Chinos. The first sign of a comfortable man is khaki chinos. Here are the 3 major types of chinos.
- Learn how to properly fold your sleeve. Click here.
- As a general rule. DO NOT replicate something you see on a celebrity. For example: Jack Gyllehnhall, What looks good on him, looks like doo-doo on you. Do not attempt to replicate.
- Blazers. Blazers. Blazers. I cannot stress this enough. Blazers + Jeans. Blazers + khaki + Blazers + shorts. It’s all good, just make sure you pair them with a nice plain shirt and everything fits and you will be golden.
- Don’t wear gloves or scarves, you probably won’t be able to pull them off.
- Facial hair is bad. Shave, scruffy is sometimes ok but trimmed. You look like an idiot with a goatee. Mustache or trimmed beard will turn you into a sex object. I promise.
- Learn the difference between cheap and expensive suits. Click here.
- Get proper Dishdashas, there is no way around it, you have to tailer some for summer/winter season. Do not make them look too tight, you will look like a clown. Fabric doesn’t matter, despite popular belief. Just choose something comfortable.

As I had already prefaced, I am not the one to take fashion advice from. Those were merely things I learned from the forum and common sense. What you should be doing right now is checking the site out, if you are serious about improving your fashion sensibility. But, like I said, it probably doesn’t matter. I think it’s fair to say, no one expects you to look fashionable. But know this, if you dress the right way, the chances of right girl falling in your lap will increase sufficiently. The ‘right job’ people will trust that they have hired the right person and your acquaintances will respect you more. We live in a material world, its probably high time to take advantage of it.